Understanding the Patterns Behind the Behaviours We Keep Trying to Change
“I know what I should be doing.”
It’s one of the most common things I hear from women.
“I know I should exercise.”
“I know I should stop scrolling.”
“I know I should go to bed earlier.”
“I know I should stop people pleasing.”
“I know what to eat.”
“I JUST DON’T DO IT”
The next sentence is almost always the same.
“I just need more willpower.”
Or…
Motivation
Or….
“I’m so lazy.”
I don’t believe any of those things are true.
I believe most women are trying to solve the wrong problem.
Behaviour always makes sense.
One of the biggest shifts in my own life happened when I stopped asking,
“What’s wrong with me?”
and started asking,
“What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
Because behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation.
Every behaviour exists within a context.
Every behaviour meets a need.
Every behaviour has a history.
That doesn’t mean every behaviour is helpful.
But it usually makes sense once you understand what’s happening underneath it.
When we skip that step and jump straight to changing the behaviour, we often end up feeling frustrated when nothing lasts.
We all live by invisible rules.
Many of the decisions we make every day aren’t conscious.
They’re guided by beliefs we’ve learned over years from our families, workplaces, relationships and society.
I call these Invisible Rules.
Rules like:
- Rest has to be earned.
- Being busy means I’m productive.
- Good mums put everyone else first.
- Saying no makes me selfish.
- I should be able to cope.
- If I don’t do it, no one else will.
- Other people’s needs matter more than mine.
The interesting thing is that most of us don’t even realise we’re living by these rules.
They stop feeling like beliefs.
They simply feel like reality.
Why “knowing better” isn’t enough.
If you’ve ever wondered why you can know exactly what to do and still struggle to do it, the answer often has nothing to do with motivation.
Imagine trying to rest while you’re still living by the rule,
“Rest has to be earned.”
Or trying to set boundaries while believing,
“Everyone else’s needs come first.”
Or trying to nourish yourself while carrying the belief,
“Looking after myself is selfish.”
The behaviour you want to change is competing with an identity you’ve spent years building.
That’s why simply trying harder rarely works for long.
Social conditioning shapes more than we realise.
None of us grows up in a vacuum.
From a young age, we’re influenced by our families, schools, workplaces, media and culture.
These experiences shape our beliefs about success, relationships, productivity, motherhood, health and self-worth.
Over time, these expectations become internalised.
We stop questioning them because they feel normal.
That’s why lasting change often requires more than creating a new habit.
Sometimes it requires examining whether the rules we’ve been living by still serve the person we’re becoming.
Lasting change begins with curiosity.
Instead of asking,
“Why can’t I stay consistent?”
Try asking,
- What pattern keeps repeating?
- What need isn’t being met?
- What belief might be driving this behaviour?
- What invisible rule am I following?
- Is this rule helping me live the life I want?
Curiosity creates understanding.
Understanding creates choice.
Choice creates change.
Head → Heart → Health
At Head to Heart Health, I don’t believe lasting change comes from trying harder.
I believe it comes from understanding yourself differently.
When we understand the patterns beneath our behaviours, we stop fighting ourselves.
We begin working with ourselves.
And that’s where sustainable change begins.
Reflection
I’d love you to take a moment and finish this sentence:
“People like me always…”
Don’t overthink it.
Just notice what comes up.
Sometimes that one sentence reveals an invisible rule that’s been quietly shaping your life for years.
And once you can see the pattern…
You finally have the opportunity to change it.
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